Not Intent on Arriving

New York City Councilman Stephen Levin didn’t expect for Sunday to be unlike any other weekend day. Then, it turned into a horrible day. Early that morning, a thief used a potted plant to smash a window and break into his office. Once inside, he attempted to make off with some electronic equipment. A neighbor spotted the burglar and called the police. Once they arrived, the officers were shocked to discover the thief was still inside. Crisis averted!

They called Levin who immediately left to go to the office. He ran out to his car and… the car was gone. Early that same morning, someone made off with the councilman’s car. Police believe the two crimes are unrelated. Poor Mr. Levin. He’s just really unlucky.

Sounds eerily similar to the events of 9/11. A New Jersey factory worker was flying to the Santiago from JFK Airport in New York last evening and boarded his plane. Once on board, the flight attendent asked him to stow his carry-on in the bin above his seat. When the passengers complied with the instructions, the box cutters fell out of his bag.

The flight attendent immediately seized the box cutters and notified the captain of the airplane. All 136 passengers and five crew members were immediately evacuated. Canine units swept the plane for bombs, and re-screened all the passengers. The man who brought the weapons on board simply forgot to take them out of his bag after work. He was not charged with any crimes.

Unfortunately, these stories have become far too common. Today’s culprit from the pulpit is Rev. Grant Storms. In the past, Storms angrily protested the Southern Decadence festival in New Orleans, which celebrated the gay and lesbian lifestyle during a three-day festival during Labor Day weekend.

Today, New Orleans police officers arrested Storms for masturbating at a park while looking at kids playing on nearby equipment. A woman was unloading her car when she spotted Storms in his van. She removed her children from the van and asked another woman to confirm what she saw. After confirming, a park employee called police and watched Storms until they arrived.

Initially, Storms offered perhaps the lamest excuse ever for his behavior. He said that he needed to urinate, but didn’t want to use the restroom and opted for a water bottle. Weird. Later, Storms confessed to having his “hands in his pants” but denied masturbating or any other inappropriate behavior.